As part of my campaign for the soon-to-be-vacant post of CFL Commissioner, I am today announcing my platform, presented in descending order of priority. #BB4CC
1. Move the Argos out of SkyDome.
The word “fold” was used by David Braley last week and MLSE seems less interested than ever in buying the team this week after breaking ground on the BMO Field renovations.
The team nobody wants.
2. Move Grey Cup ahead to the end of October.
After the Argos move (if they don’t fold first) there will only be two indoor venues: BC Place and The Big Owe. Moving the game up means starting the season at the beginning of June. Yes, I know that conflicts with the Stanley Cup finals, but by then most Canadians and their teams are long checked out. Plus, come June there hasn’t been any football since the Super Bowl in February and we’re going nuts for the season to start. This also gives the league another month before the NFL resumes.
3. Combine the East and West divisions into one.
Only the best six teams make the playoffs, period. Enough of this cross over ridiculousness. It will be a huge black mark on the CFL if the last place team in the West misses the playoffs with a better record than the first place team in the East this year.
4. Get Paul LaPolice off TSN.
My suggested replacement, who has been out of work since 2009:
“WaaaaHHHHHHAAAA. EEEEEEK!” -Maggie the Monkey. Translation: “Paul LaPolice is a two bit hack who can’t count 12 men, so why is he on TV pretending like he knows how football works?”
5. Open liquor/beer sales at stadiums across the league for the full game.
“Stopping at the end of the third does nothing to curb excessive drunkenness. I just buy extra in the third.”
I don’t think there are laws against this, it just seems to be the policy of every team except the Bombers who keep the end zone open (new this year).
6. Eliminate ties.
Draws in football are ridiculous and CFL overtime is fun to watch. Play until there’s a victor. One win, one point in the standings.
7. Expand to Quebec City within three years and Atlantic Canada within five.
I would lobby hard for new stadiums in each city. Sorry, but London can’t support a CFL team, people just don’t have any love for the CFL in Southern Ontario right now (but I will work on that).
8. Move the Canadian Football Hall of Fame
I’ve heard the CFHOF only averages something on the order of 20 visits per week. Have you ever been? It’s more depressing than Bambi’s mom eating at a bullet buffet. It would be treasured and loved much more out west.
It looks better on the outside if you can believe it.
9. Parade the Grey Cup constantly during the off season.
It should be visiting schools, offices and construction sites every day. About three people per day visit the Canadian Football League Hall of Fame where it sits when not travelling.
Legions of potential new fans.
10. Expand the Grey Cup festival.
Grey Cup has gotten better and better since it became a festival rather than just a game but it needs more. One of the best festivals was Calgary in 2009 which had loads of free swag given away by sponsors. I had enough shitty razors to last a year after that (although I needed a blood transfusion every three weeks).
More Grey Cup Fan March!
11. Create a dedicated roster spot for a Canadian QB.
At the rate QBs are dropping this year a Canuck would’ve seen some playing time by now. All you need is a chance. Even Winnipeg found a QB this year after holding try outs for five years.
Who the hell is that you ask? Well that’s the last Canadian QB to start a CFL game.
12. Mandate minimum school visitation hours.
I would negotiate the next CBA to require that players spend a certain number of hours each week visiting schools or coaching kids football. Kids should be going home and asking for dad to take them to the game.
13. Hand out game vouchers to elementary schools.
Kids get in free with an adult. This continues my young recruitment strategy and makes it easier for dad.
14. Hand out game vouchers to each landed immigrant as they step off the plane.
“Welcome to Canada, here are football tickets to your new team.” Bait and switch? Maybe, so what? They’re free. Canada admits 250k immigrants per year on average. If 5% became regular ticket buyers that would be 12500 new paying fans every year. Since half of new Canadians choose Toronto to settle that could be ~6000 new fans for the Argos every year.
All new citizens must buy season tickets!
15. Schedule more games on Saturdays and Fridays rather than Sundays when the NFL is in season.
I would’ve thought TSN/CTV the holder of both CFL and Canada’s NFL TV rights would have this figured out by now.
#BB4CC
It only takes a few beers for more great gadget plays to pop themselves into my noggin. I’ll be sure to publicize them as they do. You got a good one? Leave it in the comments below.
bblllllllLLLLLUUUUUEEEEEEE!!!!!!
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