WINNIPEG, Aug 13, 2013. For immediate release.
Winnipeg Police today revealed the true identity of the man terrorizing Blue Bombers fans for over three years. “Joe Mack”, otherwise known as John “Jigsaw” Kramer, the former General Manager of the Winnipeg Blue Bombers Football Club was removed last week by newly minted CEO Wade Miller after months of fan outrage. Kramer had for years successfully hidden himself among the management of the backwater Canadian Football League franchise. The ruse came to an end when an employee discovered an expired North Carolina driver’s license in Kramer’s name while cleaning out Mack’s desk.
The revelation came as a shock to many in the tight knit football community who had been searching for answers to the club’s persistent futility.
“Total surpise. I mean, you knew he had to go, the product on the field was assinine. I’m just blown away that a master of torture like that could hide away right in front of everyone’s face.” -Buzz
At the same time many also felt the revelation shed some on light on why they were made to suffer so much as fans.
“Obviously the sonuvabitch delights in torturing people. I went to bed crying every time they left the field. I wanted to off myself in Vancouver back in 2011. It sorta makes a bit of sense now you know?” -Dancing Gabe
Others were angry.
“Bring back the death penalty! What’s going to happen to him now? I’ll tell you what. He’ll just pick some other city with some other football team and go satisfy his sadistic desires there! His scum has to be cleaned off the face of the Earth.” -Boomer
Kramer was in the United States at the time of his dismissal and has since gone to ground.
The blow back would go on to claim Kramer’s boss, Garth Buchko, who just prior to the end of the disastrous 2012 season had tied his wagon to the fortunes of the man now known to be the infamous Jigsaw.
“Joe Mack will be the GM of the Blue Bombers for many years to come,” he proclaimed late in the 2012 season. That statement would ultimately prove to be his undoing. Somebody had to take the fall for the incredible lapse of judgement and the Board of Directors acted swiftly by removing him as well.
At least one of his peers said he knew something was odd about the man using the pseudonym of “Joe Mack”.
“I called him up, offered him Ricky Ray, a Hall of Fame quaterback, for a draft pick. Know what he did? He counter offered with a half dozen dead kittens. I thought he was telling me to piss off so I hung up. Then the next day UPS shows up with six dead kittens inside a rubbermaid wrapped in duct tape. What kind of sick bastard kills a kitten? Sniffff.” -Eric Tillman, former GM of the Edmonton Eskimos.
The citizen’s of Bomberland are reflecting and wondering how they missed it themselves. When presented with photos of “Joe Mack” and “John Kramer” those interviewed were astounded they had been duped so easily.
“A little bit of ‘touch of grey’ in the hair and it’s the same guy, right down to the scowl on his face. How did I miss that all these years?” -Premier Greg Selinger
“My children are really upset. I just can’t stop thinking how we could have avoided this mess if someone just took a few minutes extra at work to read the internet.” -Mayor Sam Katz
The community has already begun the healing process. One individual was calling for the position to be removed altogether with a new title for his eventual successor.
“You know back in the ’90s the Airborne Regiment went to that Africa place and really, really beat up that kid and killed him. Everyone had their hands over their heads about it. Remember that? Then the government just said it was such a disgrace that they were disbanding the whole regiment. They ought to disband the position of GM too eh?”
To help the community heal the Blue Bombers have reached out to their fans assuring them that this can never happen again. From now on each candidate for GM will have to provide three references to make sure his resume is accurate. They went to great lengths explaining to fans that this was the toughest policy in the organization. New President Wade Miller stated, “Not even the Offensive Coordinator has to face this much scrutiny.”
For now fans begin the long process of finishing the 2013 season and wonder when the Grey Cup will finally come to Winnipeg. Many of them have never seen a Blue Bomber Grey Cup victory having been born after Nov 25, 1990 and some say they never will.
