It’s that time of year again ladies and gentlemen! The CFL season kicks off today with the inaugural game at Investors Group Field (stupid name… how about Winnipeg Stadium?). Although this past off season has been slightly less dramatic than its immediate predecessor, no team is the same. There’s only one Ricky Ray and he probably won’t be traded again so we just have to get over it.
East
1st – Argo-snots (13-5)
“I haven’t been this happy since I smoked my first rock!” – Rob Ford
Last year’s champions look good to repeat. Ricky Ray will be even better in his second year and the Chads will have everyone in their rear view again. The biggest sore spot for this team? The apathetic crowds at Rogers Center (stupid name… how about SkyDome?).
2nd – Larks (10-8)
“You don’t frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you.”
What effect will the brain drain in Montreal have? All new coaching staff and a dinosaur at QB. In all honesty it probably doesn’t matter who’s coaching as long as the dinosaur can still throw since Jim Popp has proven before he is able to find the right staff. Make no mistake though, this isn’t the same powerhouse team that has dominated the East in years past, they have been on a slow decline and the trend continues without Trestman.
3rd – Pussy Cats (8-10)
Hamilton’s new mascot arrived just in time for the first CFL game at Alumni Stadium. Trans-specied Tony, gave his first quote earlier last week: “Bark, bark.”
A new (proven?) head coach. Spending that much time in a province with a collective IQ equivalent to a herd of very closely related lemmings can’t make you any sharper. That being said, most people forget that the Pussy Cats had the best offence in the CFL last season, but… they also had the worst defence. Well… they fired the D-Coordinator (Casey Creehan) so that should fix the problem right? That guy was so bad he’ll never find work in the CFL again (see below). The Armpit of Ontario is where quarterbacks go to die but Smilin’ Hank can’t take a hint. Here’s hoping he does this year. The one question everyone is burning to know: what are the consulting fees for one hour of teenage ass grabbing?
4th – Blue Bombers (5-13)
Above: Bookies are taking bets on when in the first game Buck Pierce will be forced out.
Other than a new (already cracking) stadium there haven’t been a lot of positives for Big Blue since 2012. The QB who’s broken more bones than Evel Knievel is back to show us all he can still amaze with sack defying acrobatic throws so brilliant we’ll be scraping our jaws off the beer soaked concourse! brain damage inducing helmet-less head flops into the turf. Problems in the secondary? Fire ’em (Hefney). Problems with the defence? Hire the guy the Pussy Cats fired (Casey Creehan, remember him?)! Problems with weather? Open the stadium a year late. Problems with the draft and free agency? Quick Joe! Aaron Hernandez! Scoop him up!
West
1st – BC Sucks (12-6)
Part of Vancouver’s urban renewal effort includes inviting some of the Downtown Eastside’s homeless (Hugh O’Neill) for a tryout with the Lion’s.
So good they can cut the CFL’s all time receiving leader (Geroy Simon). They would probably be worried about Lulay’s health if it weren’t for the QB factory they having running under BC Place. Wally needs to retire soon for the good other seven CFL teams in the league.
2nd – Stumps (10-8)
“See you for a couple of quarters in the playoffs!” – Drew Tate.
Once Buck Pierce suffers his career ending injury in a few weeks the word ‘glass’ will be followed by ‘Drew Tate’. It turns out he is also a great QB descended from Humpty Dumpty. Bombers fans know Bad Kevin all too well. He was playing second fiddle to good Kevin until Grey Cup and you can bet he’ll be showing his face a lot once Tate goes down this season. It’s the law of conservation of Kevin Glenn, for each good pass there is an equal and opposite bad pass.
3rd – Racists (8-10)
Training camp started the first weekend of June in Deadmonton.
Losing a QB in camp is the easiest way to prevent controversy but was there really any? You’d think Jesus was throwing the ball over there. They can’t be any worse than last year when going 7-11 was good enough to cross over to the East now that they may have someone capable mushing.
4th – Inbreds (6-12)
Even if it happened 100 years ago it would still be just as funny today. No one is ever going to forget this. Ever.
Ahhhh Saskabush, the only place in the country where it is socially acceptable to date your sister, the only type of car on the road is a rusted Pontiac Sunfire POS, spring time is colloquially known as dog shit surprise and you can wear Walmart sweatpants to weddings (cash bar!). Geroy Simon isn’t bringing anyone the cup and it’s safe to say his best days are behind him, go ahead though he’ll take your money. FEAR the the thirteenth man!
Playoffs
Eastern Semi (Nov. 10)
Pussy Cats upset the Larks in Montreal on Nov 10.
Western Semi (Nov. 10)
Later that day the Stumps put a hurt on the Racists.
Eastern Final (Nov. 17)
Argo-snots win a shootout against the Pussy Cats.
Western Final (Nov. 17)
BC Sucks narrowly bests the Stumps.
101st Grey Cup (Nov. 24)
Argo-snots repeat over BC Sucks. The Blue Bastard’s beer freezes to the side of his cup and the Inbreds get fined for not having enough hotels rooms in the city of Regina.
Week 1 Picks
Larks over the Bombers.
Argo-snots over the Pussy Cats.
BC Sucks over the Stumps
Deadmonton over the Inbreds
Happy Canada Day you football famished fools and remember, you read it here first!
bllllllllLLUUUUUE!
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